Would you be happy or upset if, this Thanksgiving, your parents announced they were moving just across town from you?
That's a declaration many young homeowners with aging parents are dealing with.
The Wall Street Journal ran an intriguing piece on Sunday about retirees relocating to be closer to an adult child. It may sound like a no-brainer, but it can be fraught with hidden pitfalls.
Perhaps the most important message from the Journal's piece was that parents should not present children with a fait accompli, a done deal. Instead, raise it as an idea that is newly under consideration and ask them what they feel about it. Thanksgiving may be an opportunity to raise it if all or most kids in a family are gathered together.
"Putting out a feeler in a noncrisis situation to see what kind of reactions you get is a really valuable thing," Carol Podgorski, professor of psychiatry and marriage and family therapist at the University of Rochester Medical Center, told the Journal.
Choosing the Child
It's not unusual for parents to enjoy spending time with one of their children more than the others. That doesn't necessarily mean they love their other kids less than that one, although it may come across that way.
Parents may gravitate toward moving closer to that particular child. But therapists consulted by the Journal warn that assuming this is the best move can be dangerous for several reasons:
- That child may have hopes and dreams (or even commitments) that don't include their parents. The WSJ gave an example of one son who shocked his parents when he had to turn down their suggestion that he would help them as they aged. He and his wife had recently agreed to move to a different continent to help care for her parents. Pressuring a child to take on an unwanted role could ultimately harm a precious relationship.
- Nominating a seemingly favorite child from the start can hurt and offend the other children. True, some may secretly be relieved that they've not been chosen. But apparent rejection by a parent can still be very painful, even for an adult.
- The child you most enjoy spending time with may not be the best caregiver. He or she may be great company, but that doesn't always mean it's someone with whom a parent can comfortably share deeply personal medical issues, including end-of-life care. And parents must feel OK about that person one day administering intimate care.
The Conversation
Perhaps the safest way to pursue this is to begin a family-wide discussion:
Parents: "We're thinking of moving near to one of you kids, but we don't yet know which. To start with, that should be great for you: lots of free babysitting, picking up your children from school, and helping out with the occasional chore. But, as we get older, we might need more help and support from you. How do you feel about that? Would any of you like to volunteer or rule yourselves out? This is something that requires a lot of thought, so we're not expecting instant answers."
Kids: "We'll think on that and let you know."
Some, who perhaps have thought it through already, may still provide immediate responses, while others may take hours, days or longer to think things through. Give them time, but feel free to follow up with everyone after a week or two.
And be sure to be gracious toward those who rule themselves out. Parents may know their kids as well as is possible, but none of us fully understands the stresses and dynamics of someone else's life.
When letting everyone know the final decision, parents should be tactful. If they had a choice, they should justify it with reasons other than how much they enjoy their chosen child's company. Maybe the health care is better locally, or it's an especially beautiful area, or they already know people there, or the climate is nicer ... something that sounds objective.
When Parents Don't Wish to Live Close to Their Kids (Or Don't Have Any)
Of course, plenty of retirees and soon-to-be retirees have no kids or don't get along with the ones they have. For them, choosing a retirement location comes with no restrictions.
Earlier this month, U.S. News published its 250 Best Places to Retire in the U.S. in 2026. And it made selections based on six criteria that retirees and those approaching retirement (over 45 years of age) had identified as most important. Those were:
- Quality of life
- Value
- Health care quality
- Senior population/migration
- Taxes
- Job market
Many retirees are moving to low-tax states, where their fixed incomes can buy them a better standard of living. However, it's important to consider other factors, too.
For example, how important is a mild or sunny climate? And are there enough quality doctors and hospitals nearby to deal with any complex health issues that might emerge as one ages?
Meanwhile, those who locked in uber-low mortgage rates in the early 2020s need to do some math to see whether they can afford to move at all. Our mortgage calculators can help with that.
